you cross your heart.

VERY IMPORTANT!

2009-06-28T23:14:21Z

I don't really like this account anymore, it's got too many shitty things on it and stuff so:

Add my new account :) everything will be on there except when I do get around to posting my story, it will be on this account.
ADD PLEASE.

Starting a dream diary,

2009-06-25T12:57:04Z

Lately my dreams have been varying, some have been frightening, others have been hilarious and some have woke me up crying. I don't have dreams every night so sometimes there won't be a post but other times it'll be a post that only certain people can see so you might notice a few jumps in the sequence.

I didn't have a dream last night, so I'll tell you about my dream the night before. Genre? Comical but exceedingly scary at the time.

--- Day one.

I was in a circular room, it was decorated with brown and white colours and everything was expensive. It seemed too good to be true, like one of the houses I build on sims for unhappy families. I kept trying to reach this glass door to a beautiful garden but I couldn't, the closer I got - the futhur away the door went. This went on for a while until I screamed in frustration - all of a sudden I was back in my mum's kitchen with a man, I can't remember who it was now.

The man was panicing, saying we were locked in and something was coming for us. I ran to the conservatory doors to try to get out but like he said, they were locked, as well as the window above the sink. He told me that when I'd been in the perfect room, it was his and because I caused noise he was coming after us. I was going to ask who he was but then I heard footsteps on the stairs, and then I saw shoes walking down and then the person they belonged to.

It was a clown :/ and I fucking hate clowns. He was scarier than the clown in IT and he had knives in his pockets and a horrible smile with perfect teeth :/

The man and I were right next to the cutlery drawer so I reached in and couldn't find any good knives for a few seconds until I found the one Mike uses to cut up meat. I turned around and the clown was right in front of me, in my face and for some reason it was like he couldn't see the other man in the room which I was glad about because whoever it was, it was someone I knew and loved.

I had a vest shirt on and the clown had his sleeves rolled up, his arms were littered with tattoos of famous people that he'd skinned and stolen the skin of, like some sort of fucked up Frankenstein. I sliced at his arms with the knife and he did the same to me, he cut open both of my wrists and then other places where I self harmed in the past and I could barely reach out to cut him, no matter how many times I stabbed him it wouldn't work due to his second hand skin.

I fell to the floor and then all of a sudden we were outside on the field near to my dads house but it was a lot longer and on a hill. I was running through endless trees with the clown after me - I was covered in blood and he was dragging the corpse of the man I can't remember behind him so I was crying as well, the next thing I knew I was on the floor with the clown on top of me trying to force me to eat some of my friend, I still had the knife in my hand so I lunged up and slashed across his face so he rolled over and I could run away.

At the bottom of the hill there were people with signs, like an angry protest, telling me I was the devil and blaming all the murders on me because I was covered in blood and the slashes on my wrists looked like someone was trying to protect themselves from me.

But then I ran off and they were killed by the clown, so thats okay I guess...

Writer's Block: Music for Thought

2009-06-22T20:00:35Z

When you have to study or get work done, what music (if any) do you put on to help you concentrate?

View 506 Answers

I have to agree with Ellie, Placebo are definately a great band for this kind of thing but I have to say Something Corporate :] <3

hourly_conflict @ 2009-06-20T01:30:00

2009-06-20T00:33:07Z

Sitting in the limo on the way back from prom might be the happiest I've been in a long time, but also one of the saddest.

I had a great night :/ I felt okay and it's a huge relief knowing that if I need to cut again, I can without having to worry about scars (although they were slightly visible under the lights :/). On the way back from prom I got the window seat and I just sat with the window down at midnight with the lights of town shining on my face until we got to the forests and the cold wind was so refreshing... I felt cleansed and happy.

Coming back home was hell. I hate it here, I hate her lack of sobriety.

Maybe though, if I could spend more time in the back of cars speading through town at midnight with the window rolled down... maybe I could be truly happy.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-06-19T12:41:00

2009-06-19T11:42:21Z

I don't care if they are exceedingly mainstream, mini or whatever you label them as :/ sell outs, whatever. I used to love this and now this song still is so fucking true.

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse...

hourly_conflict @ 2009-06-13T12:18:00

2009-06-13T11:21:31Z

I feel like dying. I want to get you to understand why I did this but all you can see is that I've lied.
I'm so fucking sorry, I've told you I'll punish myself if that's what it takes.

I just wish I hadn't fucking said anything to anyone, I wish this guilt would stop tearing at me cos right now all I want to do is give up what I promised. Just yesterday I was saying I'd lost the want to cut and now it's all flooded back and I can't stop it.

If I could have just got home and explained why I'd lied and maybe lessened this but no, this always happens, someone always gets there before me.

Fuck, I felt sick this morning but now I'm definately queasy... gonna have to throw up :/ I hate this. I hate it.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-06-01T23:14:00

2009-06-01T22:33:35Z

My throat hurts from screaming at you, the lights on msn are flashing but I can't be bothered to see who is talking to me. The relief from earlier has soaked into me and cradled me, bursting my veins with love and it scared me but it doesn't matter anymore, I'm just glad you're okay and although I still love you I think I have come to terms that there won't be 'us' again. I think I'm okay with that.

Why? There's someone else. Someone I barely know, someone I like a lot but I'm scared people will see it as me just liking you for the sake of it when I don't, I liked you when I first met you and then when I saw you again two years later I couldn't help but flirt. Now you've invited a few of us around to yours for some beer, you admitted to liking me when you were drunk and I couldn't help but smile. When we were sat on your matress and you were hiding under the covers after you asked if you had a chance and then told me it didn't matter... I got butterflies :/ I thought they'd died.

I don't know what to do, am I ready to throw myself into something after being ripped to shreds? Am I willing to take a chance and be hurt again? I don't know, you're so different from anyone else. Your brother talks to me on msn and he goes on about how you like me and you're really, really frightened of girls or whatever and I don't know how to react. I basically told him I liked you too and he found it sweet but what if I can't do anything yet? What if I want to wait a week or two? A month? Will it seem like I'm just using you? That's my main fear right now, because I'd hate for this to be contaminated like everything else has been.

And then there's you. Fuck, I barely speak to you in town and now you add me on facebook and msn'ing flirting with me and practically asking me to take my shirt off? I dunno, you're a really, really sweet person who is like a lot of peoples brother but... what the hell. Is this just what you're like cos I don't feel that comfortable with it... but based on how lovely you are in person, I think I can drop it. Me having to block you though because I feel uncomfortable is too far :/ I'll unblock you tomorrow.

Also, my mum just came into my room freaking out at me. She'd slapped me earlier, it wasn't light either - I recoiled from the impact.
I forgot what it was like to be back here... but I prefer it to my dads house anyday.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-05-27T20:19:00

2009-05-27T19:22:02Z

I searched you on facebook and so many names came up... I thought I'd lost all hope, then I saw 'Sheffield, Bradfield High School 2010.' which is what year you would be in. There wasn't a picture though... now I just have to wait, I doubt you go on there if there was no photo... fuck. It's been years since we last talked and I don't tell any of my friends about you, I don't even know why I want to find you so bad... I just miss you. Why the fuck did you have to move away? You took the fun of my imagination with you, the only good, real thing to appreciate my mind.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-05-24T21:05:00

2009-05-24T20:13:44Z

...I don't know where I'm headed. Last night just... I meant every single thing I said, it was the alcohol speaking either. I really am the closest I've ever been, I don't know how long I can handle any of this shit. I hate this, I hate seeming so whiney and I hate not being able to help myself - I hate that I can't get help. Three years ago, I thought this would be over... now look at me.

Last night just fucked up so much shit in my mind, I don't... I just... fuck. No. I'm sick of this always being seen as your fault, you're amazing and nobody really saw the side of you that I did so they can't say that shit. I know they have their 'valid points' or whatthefuck ever but when are people going to realise that I don't CARE what you've done? When are my friends going to stop hurting me more than you ever could...

I just lost my passion for words, my future. English teacher? Who am I kidding? My mind doesn't even fucking sense, I don't want to fuck up anyone elses future - but it's all I want to be. When I write on LJ though it's like I want to get out so much but it doesn't happen because I have this fucking barrier that won't leave, I want to break it but breaking that would also mean breaking the thing I was talking to Kat about... the thing that no one else knows ;/ even you didn't know... you know more about me than anyone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to my closest friends but he's the one I let in... it isn't because I cared more, no, I love you all the same but... he just got it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if it's such a crime for me to give all my love and secrets to someone, I know they fucking hurt me but fuck it okay? They also helped me more than anyone ever could at the time because they followed through with it all, they did love me.

Walking home from the party was horrible. 9am, bright sunshine and the countryside... with the roads. I never left the roads, cars sped past with people in the backseat glancing back at me angrily, like I was committing some serious crime.

I was. I actually intended to get hit by a car... it's a shame they saw me.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-05-14T21:48:00

2009-05-14T20:57:04Z

I don't know how much longer I can hold out without collapsing, without all the foundations and walls collapsing beneath the weight I'm feeling. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next few weeks without it... I can't, no sweatbands for prom, no time to heal if I ever helped myself to a little bit of... help. I'm admitting it now, tonight is one of the frequent nights I want to die. I want to die, I want to die. I want to leave everything behind, I want my friends to move on and not feel guility or bad for what I want to happen to myself, I want everything to fade when the smog settles. It feels like I'm on fire and then so numb, it feels like I could cry a river and then I can't get anything out. It feels like the day is the night, and the night is the day. It feels like I want to sleep through the light, and live through the dark. "I am a butterfly but you wouldn't let me die." I want to mean something more, more than the songs I cry to at night. I want my friends to take this seriously, I'm not fucking around, you know who the fuck you are - comparing our problems and wondering how I can't speak to you anymore? It's because I can't have a friendship where one person fucking doesn't understand how deep I am and then has the guts to laugh about it... but really, I would want to be close but I can't be because you just don't really give a shit anymore do you?

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not being emo. I just really, sincerely want to die.

"Your sad eyes will sparkle."

2009-05-13T21:44:00Z

It feels like I haven't posted anything properly on livejournal for a while.
It feels like I'm doing everyone a favour, but here we go.

Lately things have been weird, and I don't know in what way. Sometimes when I write to LJ, I forget people can read it so I'm sorry in advance for this but it needs to be get out... part of me is welcoming back the depression because it's a comfort blanket. There you go, I've admitted it. Yeah, I hate the crying and the feeling of despair but I love the warm feeling after I've cried out all the cold... that's mostly how it used to feel but I've realised I've lost all control of myself, I want to get off this ride... I never wanted to be on it in the first place but it's like an adrenaline rush... the feeling of running off of steam and being completely worn out with everything but still charging through everything with a pokerface and your head held high.

Also I've decided on something tonight - a diet. I hate saying those words because it reminds me of my friends who are trying dieting and stuff and getting addicted to it and worrying/angering some people or whatever, that's not really to anyone in general but I don't want to end up like I did before. I want to do it properly this time, I want to tone up a bit and feel more comfortable for college and the summer, that might be what I need, kind of, maybe, unlikely but... hmm.

I'm still not feeling the GCSE pressure, I'm numb to so many things and I guess this is included. The only thing I'm scared for is french and that's because I despise the subject. I just want them to be over, I want there to be one everyday instead of me having to wait until monday for them to start up again because I just... yeah, want them to be over and done with so I calm down and have the last few years behind me, even though it will be like leaving someone special behind that I'm so fucking worried about right now. When I become an english teacher, I'm gonna be fucking awesome, I know I can do this... it's just the journey there.

I just want to keep on writing this forever but I don't know what to talk about, I might just follow my mind track.

The woman, the bus stop. She's stuck in my head on constant replay lately... I don't think I told anyone about ALL the stuff she said. She stood at the bus stop, feeble with her walking stick and yet she looked so, so young - too young for the stick. She started talking to me, asking me how I was, where I was going, about my future and then she smiled knowingly at me and said "have faith," it was then I realised she was a christian. She started talking about how she had Parkinsons disease and the doctors said she should be chair bound by now but she had faith in God and she could still walk, she still had the stregnth and it's true, she walked almost normally. She wasn't getting the same bus as me but she said "trust in Him and your sad eyes will sparkle." That is blasting through my mind now, I've been wearing my necklace everyday and I've even tried praying and yeah, fuck everyone who is against it because it's made me feel stronger to have faith in something bigger than the terrible world we've created.

The fact you still keep my photo in your mirror shocked me.
That has been my main thought since monday night.

I kept myself away from it for a week... it feels shit having to limit myself to make myself feel in control, it wasn't like this before. Now, after tomorrow night I can do it whenever I want and then I have to wait a week again. I know sooner or later that'll break down but I want to save it for when I feel really shit... but I need it again.

Stole from Ellie.

2009-05-13T14:57:46Z

You can call me: Frankie or Frank as most people do now. Only teachers call me Francesca :/ and Emma calls me Pixie because that used to be my nickname for about three years. Ellie calls me her Snook :]

I identify as: I'm bisexual and tbh, I'm scared of it. My parents don't know, nobody in school knows and only a few of my friends do. I pretend to act proud or whatever but when push comes to shove I don't think I could ever let myself love another girl again :/ but thats for other reasons. I do however, openly stare at girls for a long time...

As far as third person pronouns go: I'm a her (Y) I sometimes wear guys jackets if they think I look cold and a lot of the time I'd prefer to be a guy but really, I'm kind of feminine in a non-pink non-flowery way...

I'm attracted to: Well for guys, I end up liking guys who look like they've been dragged through a bush backwards and sprayed with masculinity. I like guys with stubble but I hate guys with muscles... I also love when they have some hair ;) and nice teeth are a must. For girls, I like the quiet and gentle kind who are smart and shy - they're fucking adorable and make me want to snuggle. Although I love girls who are basically, skaters.

When people talk about me, I want them to: try to get to know me. I get so angry when people judge me for the fact I look 'emo' or I'm too quiet. It's so stupid that a person judges on looks ect, I lose all respect for them if I'm judged unfairly or if I see them judging others unfairly. I'm one of the people who doesn't care who they're seen hanging around with and I love to smile at the people younger with me with just a little bit extra weight or a social reject because they will always be the better people in the end.

I want people to understand: that homophobia is just so fucking stupid. You love who you love, it's wrong that people think otherwise. I remember my mum always says stuff like "why fancy someone with a similiar body to you?" my answer is always: love is blind.

Love is blind :/

hourly_conflict @ 2009-05-05T23:03:00

2009-05-05T22:05:14Z

1. For the next ten days, post a lyric from a song you love
2. Explain why you picked that song
~~3. Tag five people.~~

Buzz, buzz, buzz. Doc, there's a hole where something was.

---I love this song, I don't know why. The buzz part makes me giggle but then the seriousness of the doctor part just makes me want to keel over and sob. It's what set me off crying a lot of the time, but it's so beautiful. It's one of those songs you feel you should laugh at but you can't, it's... beautiful.

It's over between us.

2009-05-05T20:21:20Z

That's it, me and Dan aren't gonna be able to get back together so it seems. I've got to stop holding onto something that won't happen but where can I go? He's the only person I can love... I've liked people before, hell, I like someone now and that flowed but I've blown my chance because my hopes were so high that I didn't make an effort.

I heard half of the story and now I've heard the full story from Joe. Of course we're not getting back together when he's developing 'feelings' for someone else. Now the only person to ever love me, likes someone else.

I can't do this. I'm numb from the pieces shattering. I don't want anyone to be mad at him, it isn't his fault. He's a beautiful person if you look closely, he just gets himself into the wrong things. I know he'll probably not like himself for it.

Every mistake I've made is my life. I've never made a right decision. I've loved the person who won't work out and now yeah, I can admit I like someone who I won't, and can't ever get to know. I liked them for a while anyway until I forgot about them until they were brought back up.

Why can't anyone just love me?

hourly_conflict @ 2009-04-29T18:19:00

2009-04-29T17:20:35Z

Fuck, how dare you?
Fucking, oh my god. Blood boiling.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-04-28T21:24:00

2009-04-28T20:30:46Z

I just want to scream at someone to help me but I know that no help can cure this. I'm crying all the time, I'm so drained and it's just like there isn't anything left. Music is becoming the only way I'm showing true emotion, it's the only thing that will bring out the tears but in a good way, all the other times I cry it leaves me sore and wounded. I don't know what to do, inside I'm screamng and my head aches, my throat aches from closing and clenching when I cry. My eyes are sore from being rubbed at or squeezed shut when my mum turns my bedroom light on because I've been living in the dark since sunday night. I don't think I'm going to make it much farther without giving in and breaking down, I can feel a panic attack coming on tonight. Fuck, I can't stop the crying. I'm such a bad person too, I just went downstairs to reset the router and Mike asked for a hug and I had to run past him, saying something about work that I can't do because I can't even give anyone eye contact, nevermind a hug. I just feel so torn and nothing is helping, I need a cigarette but that'll wreck my throat more. The tears are getting pointless now because they're not relieving anything, what am I going to do? I feel so worthless, ugly, stupid, used, let down, disregarded, unrequited, pathetic, emotional, overreactive, broken, angry, depressed, harmed and all in all... suicidal again.

I just hope this stops when I can see my friends tomorrow.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-04-28T15:39:00

2009-04-28T15:14:16Z

Ouch.

That shouldn't have hurt.

Day 2.

2009-04-28T14:31:11Z

1. For the next ten days, post a lyric from a song you love.
2. Explain why you picked that song.
~~3. Tag five people.~~

-- and you give yourself away. Without or without you, with or without you... I can't live, with or without you.
With Or Without You - U2.

This song reminds of growing up, the lyrics are so simple but beautiful and the voice is just so raw... I don't know, it's the perfect song to listen to. I have to listen to it everyday or I feel so lost. Loads of people don't like it because of how tame it is but... fuck, it's one of the rare, rare occasions where a song can render me without words.

Day 1.

2009-04-27T14:14:35Z

1. For the next ten days, post a lyric from a song you love
2. Explain why you picked that song
~~3. Tag five people.~~

"Oh, it's so amazing here. It's alright, cos theres beauty in the breakdown."
- Let Go by Boys Like Girls (originally by Frou Frou).

I don't know why I love this song so much, it makes me bawl like a baby and clutch to my teddy like a dweeb. It's just so beautiful. The first time I heard this song is when A Static Lullaby covered it and that was basically screaming so to here it so pure and well... acoustic, it's just amazing. Guh, *fapfap* haha.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-04-23T22:33:00

2009-04-23T21:36:54Z

It's over
Look out below
And I'm wasted
I still taste it
Yeah it's so hard to let go
So breathe in now
And breathe it out
The forecast
A car crash
It's looking like another...

Breakdown, rebound
This could be my last goodbye
You cross your heart, I hope to die

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

No rewinds
No second times
And I won't break
I won't waste, everything you left behind
So don't follow
Just let it go
The weather's, been better
Don't let it be another...

Breakdown, rebound
This could be my last goodbye
You cross your heart, I hope to die

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

All the nights you spent sitting nowhere out there on your own
All the nights I waited by the phone when you were going in alone
And all your different faces and all your different ways are making everything a mess
And all I'm saying is that all your different places and all the complications led to this

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all
And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all
(Never loved at all)

hourly_conflict @ 2009-04-23T07:42:00

2009-04-23T06:44:59Z

I just can't pick myself up this week, I can't. I feel so lost and down, I can barely meet anyones eyes with a smile plastered on, it's not working anymore. I just can't wait for the week to be over, a break from the stress and everything else going on... but that everything else will just carry on to Saturday.

My heart is beating out of my chest with worry, I've been throwing up the last two days and therefore hardly eating. Not eating today I don't think, it's worse than it was Sunday.

Look at my mood, I think it's safe to say I need a little pick me up, good job I stole one of my sisters cigs.

The Visitors - Chapter 11.

2009-04-22T21:18:47Z

Title: The Visitors. Chapter 11.
Author: hourly_conflict
Pairing: Frank/Mikey.
Rating: R/NC-17 over all.
Disclaimer: I don't own, never will. I do, however, own the plot.
Summary: They came in the night - the flawless ones - speaking of eternity and leadership before leaving young Frank alone with the promise of return in ten years. What did they mean? What was their plan when they returned? What will happen when Frank becomes aware of his past, his unwanted legacy? The look ‘Michael’ shot Frank shook him - vampires, the flawless ones.
Dedication: To the lovely never_coming_bk for being insanely amazing :3 this story is for her now.

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

“Is he- Bert-- is he, my… my brother?”

It would explain it, the bond I felt instantly and the calming feeling of being around him. He was even annoying in a little brother way, but the kind of intriguing annoying. We didn’t really look alike though, despite the shortness and excitable persona.

Michael watched, a papery hand placed on one of his bony cheeks like my mother would do when I was ill and checking for my temperature. His body was stood still, cautiously as if I was the one capable of doing the most damage. It was the only time, besides Shauny’s attack, that I had seen actual fear in Michael’s eyes.

The information took a few more seconds to file itself into my brain (which was slowly becoming accustom to absorbing such information to throw me off guard), maybe that was another trait picked up from hanging around with vampires for so long - maybe they weren’t just cool and collected from the fact they’re dead… something that still hadn’t accommodated itself into my mind yet.

“Frank?” Michael waved his hand in front of my face, quick as lightening to break me from my faze. I looked at him expectantly, waiting for a lecture on the responsibilities on being a brother or for him to ask some psychiatrist bullshit like ‘how do you feel about this?’ but he didn’t, he just stared back, just as expectant as my own gaze.

“Mm… is he my full brother?” it was the first question that came to mind, something that could either make the situation a lot harder to digest or a lot easier depending on the outcome. Michael shifted his vision to the door, like he was making sure nobody listened - like he’d have to check.

“No, he isn’t. He is only your half brother as you have the same father but, there is something a lot more difficult to explain,” fiery eyes met mine, “he’s half vampire, lets just say he was… orphaned to Rayne’s family after the woman realised.”

I saw red, realising all of a sudden that one, my father hadn’t been faithful to my mother and Bert was a result in that, also that two, Bert was the only person I felt I could relate with in this damned house and now I find out he is half in on the act anyway.

My sudden movement towards the door actually took Michael off his guard, for some unknown reason he didn’t stop me as I swung open the door with a loud crack as it hit the crumbling painted wall. He did, however, protest and yelp a lot of panicked “no’s” and “you don’t know the full story yet, Frank, wait’s” all of which were rudely ignored in the heat of my anger.

Bert was slumped on the kitchen table, staring at an apple with his insultingly blue eyes as if trying to force it to move. His light eyebrows scrunched together and the corners of his pink, full lips were turned down as if he was saddened by his lack of power. Everything about him was so human, so naïve and expectant and unknowing - from the light in his blue eyes to the heat of his body. What was vampire about him?

I stalled in my tracks, somehow beginning to regret my rushed entrance and feeling a sense of guilt for interrupting him at such a down moment. Michael hovered in the doorway, nervous and twitching as I took a seat next to Bert’s still, despairing form. I placed a hand on his shoulder in a caring way, gentle due to the sudden fade of anger.

“Hey, sup dude? No cupcakes to settle the munchies? It isn’t the apples fault.” I laughed for a second but it halted dead in the air of the room as Bert turned to me, his eyes suddenly angry now as he shrugged my hand from his shoulder. This was unlike him, Bert wasn’t hostile, Bert was meant to be like a puppy that fed from affection.

His accusing manner didn’t land to me as much as it did to Michael though, the anger radiating off him was enough to have made my previous anger run away with it’s tail between it’s legs. A shaking finger was pointed towards Michael, a shaky voice breaking into the room to accompany it.

“You - you promised, you promised me you wouldn’t tell him. You know he’ll treat me differently, I’m guessing you told him about the rest of me, huh?” this was obviously Bert’s anger getting the better of him, surely if he had heard Michael spill the secret to me he would have heard him tell me ‘the rest’.

Michael stood, now calm and still in the doorway with the expression of a mother reasoning with her misbehaving child. “Robert, calm yourself. You know for a fact he has no idea what you’re talking about now and that you have to be the one to explain it to him.” the chill in his voice was something I hadn’t heard since we were back at the coven’s house, yet it wasn’t angry, it was just fearfully controlling.

A ripple of indignity surged its way up Bert’s spine as it curved, slouching with defeat before he turned to me, icy eyes melting with pleading words yet to be said. My smile was a weak attempt as reassuring him and it surely had a weak impact, if any.

“You have to realise I wanted to tell you but… I wanted to be just… a normal teenager to you. If you ever found out I was your brother I wanted you to think I was your mothers son, I didn’t want you to know about this disease swimming in my veins.” Bert spat out the words, shame flooding his features at the obvious distaste for his kind. His kind, I could see where he was coming from when he said I’d see him differently but it wasn’t like it mattered.

“Bert, what did you mean, when you said there was something else?” curiosity ate at me even more at the ever shrinking stance of my half brother stood, leaning against the kitchen counters now for support.

“I’m different from the others, from Michael and Rayne. I’m… a lot different. I can die, I can eat normal food, as long as I make sure to drink a donor bag of blood a day and sleep in until I want, I can take drugs and my body will accept their effects,” a small smile littered his face at this, “but I have something they don’t have, I’m half human. Some vampires think of humans as weak mortals but actually, the vampire race have their flaws where humans have their advantages. Some humans have skills that vampires couldn’t possess, such as the sixth sense because vampires only have heightened senses.”

Bert wasn’t making any sense, was this his way of telling me he had visions that weren’t down to the drugs?

He smiled, beamed even. “Actually no, my life is just one big trip. I can mould myself, mould my senses to possess any power I want. I can read your mind, I can force you to do something, I could even fly if I tried hard enough. I’m, however, also very mixed up and my emotions are constantly everywhere.”

I noticed this, how he went from sad to angry to happy in such a short space of time.

“Hey, I’m practically Spiderman.”

---

A/N: Hey… whoa, uhm, don’t eat me? I’m really sorry for the short update and how long it took to update. I think that’s the longest it’s ever taken me to update before with this story so I’m really, honestly sorry if anyone still reads this. Yeah, uhm, hey, I’m back now though. The reason this is so short is because yeah, of course, I have a lot of my mine, blah blah blah, GCSE’s coming up, cliché moaning commence. But uhm, if anybody does still read this, the comments would be greatly appreciated as they make me feel slightly better about my writing and not want to throw burning hot cuppa soup on my laptop. Uhm thanks again haha.

This song has been my favourite for so long.

2009-04-22T19:54:49Z

Fuck you,

You took what you wanted and left, like locusts.
Everything I gave to you, everything that we've been through
You bled me dry and then went, like leeches.
Go, you got what you could now leave, like vultures

Ripped apart in minutes what was built in seven years
The ink scarred on your back may as well of disappeared
For as long as I remember, you sold everything you owned
But now you sold our friendship, you're on your fucking own.

Sleep with one eye open, because
Sleep with one eye open (because)

If I had it my way I'd slit your throat with the knife you left in my back
All the shame, all this guilt, all this regret, that's me
I'm inside of you
I'm inside of you
I'm inside of you
I'm inside of you, and this is your world
Fuckin' falling apart mate, from the inside out.
Everything will fall at your feet - you got hell to pay
Yeah, you've got hell to pay

And you better fucking bow,
Bow down to me
You better beg for mercy
Get on your fucking knees and cry me a fucking river

Sleep with one eye open, because
Sleep with one eye open
Best friends mean forever
Best friends mean forever, cunt.

hourly_conflict @ 2009-04-19T22:33:00

2009-04-19T21:40:35Z

I've messed up again. I shouldn't have, soon after came the "fuck, can't you control yourself?" feeling that I've not missed for the past three months. I just got home and cried, in the bus station it was all I could do not to cry because I knew what was waiting for me at home. One of the worst arguments in a long time and my sweet blades, not so sweet in the aftermath. I admit, yeah I was upset and worried about something but Loz did a little digging and found out it was nothing wrong with me, it was something else and they didn't want to upset me so they hardly talked. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. I didn't even do it deep, no, I resisted and did it shallow and hardly any lines but fuck it, I should have done more! Why not? I mean, might as well have had a big blow out before I put my hand in the air and say "I'm done," for another three months until I fall again.

God, without that phone conversation with Loz I don't know what I would have done. Sat and cried all night? I had the paracetamols in my room, I was going to knock myself out with them so I could have a good sleep but Loz called me and we talked for hours and I completely forgot they were there. I can see them now and the temptation is there because yeah, school tomorrow but I will deal tonight with natural sleep.

It's weird. On the bus home I sat and stared into space and I knew what I was going to do when I got home, on the walk to my house I knew, picking at my tea I knew.

Fuck, I'm so ashamed I've been throwing up all day, doing "work" and crying from the shame because there is no hiding it now.

The sweatbands were gone for a month, a month in a year of them being there. I made a big deal, smiles and laughter about the scars gone and now what? They're gonna be there and in need of being hidden.

Fuck.

Writer's Block: Theme Song

2009-04-16T15:24:18Z

What song would you choose as the theme song for your life?

View 500 Answers

Adams Song - Blink 182.
From the second I heard it, yep. I can relate to it a fucking lot, especially when I was going through the toughest point of my life. I can still relate to it even now with the future looking brighter.

Just... every single lyric I can relate to.