I don't really like this account anymore, it's got too many shitty things on it and stuff so:
 

burninglungs

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Lately my dreams have been varying, some have been frightening, others have been hilarious and some have woke me up crying. I don't have dreams every night so sometimes there won't be a post but other times it'll be a post that only certain people can see so you might notice a few jumps in the sequence.

I didn't have a dream last night, so I'll tell you about my dream the night before. Genre? Comical but exceedingly scary at the time.

--- Day one.


I was in a circular room, it was decorated with brown and white colours and everything was expensive. It seemed too good to be true, like one of the houses I build on sims for unhappy families. I kept trying to reach this glass door to a beautiful garden but I couldn't, the closer I got - the futhur away the door went. This went on for a while until I screamed in frustration - all of a sudden I was back in my mum's kitchen with a man, I can't remember who it was now.

The man was panicing, saying we were locked in and something was coming for us. I ran to the conservatory doors to try to get out but like he said, they were locked, as well as the window above the sink. He told me that when I'd been in the perfect room, it was his and because I caused noise he was coming after us. I was going to ask who he was but then I heard footsteps on the stairs, and then I saw shoes walking down and then the person they belonged to.

It was a clown :/ and I fucking hate clowns. He was scarier than the clown in IT and he had knives in his pockets and a horrible smile with perfect teeth :/

The man and I were right next to the cutlery drawer so I reached in and couldn't find any good knives for a few seconds until I found the one Mike uses to cut up meat. I turned around and the clown was right in front of me, in my face and for some reason it was like he couldn't see the other man in the room which I was glad about because whoever it was, it was someone I knew and loved.

I had a vest shirt on and the clown had his sleeves rolled up, his arms were littered with tattoos of famous people that he'd skinned and stolen the skin of, like some sort of fucked up Frankenstein. I sliced at his arms with the knife and he did the same to me, he cut open both of my wrists and then other places where I self harmed in the past and I could barely reach out to cut him, no matter how many times I stabbed him it wouldn't work due to his second hand skin.

I fell to the floor and then all of a sudden we were outside on the field near to my dads house but it was a lot longer and on a hill. I was running through endless trees with the clown after me - I was covered in blood and he was dragging the corpse of the man I can't remember behind him so I was crying as well, the next thing I knew I was on the floor with the clown on top of me trying to force me to eat some of my friend, I still had the knife in my hand so I lunged up and slashed across his face so he rolled over and I could run away.

At the bottom of the hill there were people with signs, like an angry protest, telling me I was the devil and blaming all the murders on me because I was covered in blood and the slashes on my wrists looked like someone was trying to protect themselves from me.

But then I ran off and they were killed by the clown, so thats okay I guess...

Sitting in the limo on the way back from prom might be the happiest I've been in a long time, but also one of the saddest.

I had a great night :/ I felt okay and it's a huge relief knowing that if I need to cut again, I can without having to worry about scars (although they were slightly visible under the lights :/). On the way back from prom I got the window seat and I just sat with the window down at midnight with the lights of town shining on my face until we got to the forests and the cold wind was so refreshing... I felt cleansed and happy.

Coming back home was hell. I hate it here, I hate her lack of sobriety.

Maybe though, if I could spend more time in the back of cars speading through town at midnight with the window rolled down... maybe I could be truly happy.

I feel like dying. I want to get you to understand why I did this but all you can see is that I've lied.
I'm so fucking sorry, I've told you I'll punish myself if that's what it takes.

I just wish I hadn't fucking said anything to anyone, I wish this guilt would stop tearing at me cos right now all I want to do is give up what I promised. Just yesterday I was saying I'd lost the want to cut and now it's all flooded back and I can't stop it.

If I could have just got home and explained why I'd lied and maybe lessened this but no, this always happens, someone always gets there before me.

Fuck, I felt sick this morning but now I'm definately queasy... gonna have to throw up :/ I hate this. I hate it.

My throat hurts from screaming at you, the lights on msn are flashing but I can't be bothered to see who is talking to me. The relief from earlier has soaked into me and cradled me, bursting my veins with love and it scared me but it doesn't matter anymore, I'm just glad you're okay and although I still love you I think I have come to terms that there won't be 'us' again. I think I'm okay with that.

Why? There's someone else. Someone I barely know, someone I like a lot but I'm scared people will see it as me just liking you for the sake of it when I don't, I liked you when I first met you and then when I saw you again two years later I couldn't help but flirt. Now you've invited a few of us around to yours for some beer, you admitted to liking me when you were drunk and I couldn't help but smile. When we were sat on your matress and you were hiding under the covers after you asked if you had a chance and then told me it didn't matter... I got butterflies :/ I thought they'd died.

I don't know what to do, am I ready to throw myself into something after being ripped to shreds? Am I willing to take a chance and be hurt again? I don't know, you're so different from anyone else. Your brother talks to me on msn and he goes on about how you like me and you're really, really frightened of girls or whatever and I don't know how to react. I basically told him I liked you too and he found it sweet but what if I can't do anything yet? What if I want to wait a week or two? A month? Will it seem like I'm just using you? That's my main fear right now, because I'd hate for this to be contaminated like everything else has been.

And then there's you. Fuck, I barely speak to you in town and now you add me on facebook and msn'ing flirting with me and practically asking me to take my shirt off? I dunno, you're a really, really sweet person who is like a lot of peoples brother but... what the hell. Is this just what you're like cos I don't feel that comfortable with it... but based on how lovely you are in person, I think I can drop it. Me having to block you though because I feel uncomfortable is too far :/ I'll unblock you tomorrow.

Also, my mum just came into my room freaking out at me. She'd slapped me earlier, it wasn't light either - I recoiled from the impact.
I forgot what it was like to be back here... but I prefer it to my dads house anyday.
 

I searched you on facebook and so many names came up... I thought I'd lost all hope, then I saw 'Sheffield, Bradfield High School 2010.' which is what year you would be in. There wasn't a picture though... now I just have to wait, I doubt you go on there if there was no photo... fuck. It's been years since we last talked and I don't tell any of my friends about you, I don't even know why I want to find you so bad... I just miss you. Why the fuck did you have to move away? You took the fun of my imagination with you, the only good, real thing to appreciate my mind.

...I don't know where I'm headed. Last night just... I meant every single thing I said, it was the alcohol speaking either. I really am the closest I've ever been, I don't know how long I can handle any of this shit. I hate this, I hate seeming so whiney and I hate not being able to help myself - I hate that I can't get help. Three years ago, I thought this would be over... now look at me.

Last night just fucked up so much shit in my mind, I don't... I just... fuck. No. I'm sick of this always being seen as your fault, you're amazing and nobody really saw the side of you that I did so they can't say that shit. I know they have their 'valid points' or whatthefuck ever but when are people going to realise that I don't CARE what you've done? When are my friends going to stop hurting me more than you ever could...

I just lost my passion for words, my future. English teacher? Who am I kidding? My mind doesn't even fucking sense, I don't want to fuck up anyone elses future - but it's all I want to be. When I write on LJ though it's like I want to get out so much but it doesn't happen because I have this fucking barrier that won't leave, I want to break it but breaking that would also mean breaking the thing I was talking to Kat about... the thing that no one else knows ;/ even you didn't know... you know more about me than anyone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to my closest friends but he's the one I let in... it isn't because I cared more, no, I love you all the same but... he just got it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if it's such a crime for me to give all my love and secrets to someone, I know they fucking hurt me but fuck it okay? They also helped me more than anyone ever could at the time because they followed through with it all, they did love me.

Walking home from the party was horrible. 9am, bright sunshine and the countryside... with the roads. I never left the roads, cars sped past with people in the backseat glancing back at me angrily, like I was committing some serious crime.

I was. I actually intended to get hit by a car... it's a shame they saw me.

It feels like I haven't posted anything properly on livejournal for a while.
It feels like I'm doing everyone a favour, but here we go.

Lately things have been weird, and I don't know in what way. Sometimes when I write to LJ, I forget people can read it so I'm sorry in advance for this but it needs to be get out... part of me is welcoming back the depression because it's a comfort blanket. There you go, I've admitted it. Yeah, I hate the crying and the feeling of despair but I love the warm feeling after I've cried out all the cold... that's mostly how it used to feel but I've realised I've lost all control of myself, I want to get off this ride... I never wanted to be on it in the first place but it's like an adrenaline rush... the feeling of running off of steam and being completely worn out with everything but still charging through everything with a pokerface and your head held high.

Also I've decided on something tonight - a diet. I hate saying those words because it reminds me of my friends who are trying dieting and stuff and getting addicted to it and worrying/angering some people or whatever, that's not really to anyone in general but I don't want to end up like I did before. I want to do it properly this time, I want to tone up a bit and feel more comfortable for college and the summer, that might be what I need, kind of, maybe, unlikely but... hmm.

I'm still not feeling the GCSE pressure, I'm numb to so many things and I guess this is included. The only thing I'm scared for is french and that's because I despise the subject. I just want them to be over, I want there to be one everyday instead of me having to wait until monday for them to start up again because I just... yeah, want them to be over and done with so I calm down and have the last few years behind me, even though it will be like leaving someone special behind that I'm so fucking worried about right now. When I become an english teacher, I'm gonna be fucking awesome, I know I can do this... it's just the journey there.

I just want to keep on writing this forever but I don't know what to talk about, I might just follow my mind track.

The woman, the bus stop. She's stuck in my head on constant replay lately... I don't think I told anyone about ALL the stuff she said. She stood at the bus stop, feeble with her walking stick and yet she looked so, so young - too young for the stick. She started talking to me, asking me how I was, where I was going, about my future and then she smiled knowingly at me and said "have faith," it was then I realised she was a christian. She started talking about how she had Parkinsons disease and the doctors said she should be chair bound by now but she had faith in God and she could still walk, she still had the stregnth and it's true, she walked almost normally. She wasn't getting the same bus as me but she said "trust in Him and your sad eyes will sparkle." That is blasting through my mind now, I've been wearing my necklace everyday and I've even tried praying and yeah, fuck everyone who is against it because it's made me feel stronger to have faith in something bigger than the terrible world we've created.

The fact you still keep my photo in your mirror shocked me.
That has been my main thought since monday night.

I kept myself away from it for a week... it feels shit having to limit myself to make myself feel in control, it wasn't like this before. Now, after tomorrow night I can do it whenever I want and then I have to wait a week again. I know sooner or later that'll break down but I want to save it for when I feel really shit... but I need it again.

 

Fuck, how dare you?
Fucking, oh my god. Blood boiling.

1. For the next ten days, post a lyric from a song you love
2. Explain why you picked that song
3. Tag five people.

"Oh, it's so amazing here. It's alright, cos theres beauty in the breakdown."
- Let Go by Boys Like Girls (originally by Frou Frou).

I don't know why I love this song so much, it makes me bawl like a baby and clutch to my teddy like a dweeb. It's just so beautiful. The first time I heard this song is when A Static Lullaby covered it and that was basically screaming so to here it so pure and well... acoustic, it's just amazing. Guh, *fapfap* haha.

It's over
Look out below
And I'm wasted
I still taste it
Yeah it's so hard to let go
So breathe in now
And breathe it out
The forecast
A car crash
It's looking like another...

Breakdown, rebound
This could be my last goodbye
You cross your heart, I hope to die

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

No rewinds
No second times
And I won't break
I won't waste, everything you left behind
So don't follow
Just let it go
The weather's, been better
Don't let it be another...

Breakdown, rebound
This could be my last goodbye
You cross your heart, I hope to die

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

All the nights you spent sitting nowhere out there on your own
All the nights I waited by the phone when you were going in alone
And all your different faces and all your different ways are making everything a mess
And all I'm saying is that all your different places and all the complications led to this

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all
And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all
(Never loved at all)